Tonight’s Great Debate: Do the Letters Exist?

Now updated!

I’m George Stephanopoulos.

And I’m Charles Gibson and this is the Anglican Great Debate. Tonight’s topic is “Do the Letters Exist?”

We’ll ask the tough questions …

And then get slimed in the press because we’re so damn good at it.

Oh, that’s Christopher Hitchens. He’s just mad because the Pope got better press than he did during his latest book tour. Now I’m —


Bloody well, I am mad about it. They’re all hypocrites! Hypocrites! The whole lot of them. And the red shoes, red shoes. Han Christian Anderson, give me a break. Where’s my whiskey? Say, is that the Archbishop of Canterbury?

I’m George Stephanopoulos.

Yes, we know that all ready George. So, what is this about the Archbishop of Canterbury?

I’m here, Dr. Gibson.

I’m not a doctor, Your Grace.

Oh, I see. It happens.

I’m George Stephanopoulos.

Glad you could come, Your Grace. We’re here to debate the existence of certain letters. Are you familiar with this debate? Tell me sir, do the letters exist?


Well, Prof. Gibson, questioning the existence of matter is an exisitential matter. How do we prove that anything exists or that matter is an illusion and what is spiritual is eternal? Then what defines existence but that which is spiritual and not temporal. It’s all about the that. The question of existence —

I’m not a professor. Your Grace, we are not here to discuss the merits of existence, but merely whether certain letters exist, have been penned by you, and are forthwith being sent and if they are being sent, by what method are you employing for their dispatch?

I am not sure I follow, Sir Charles.

I’m George Stephanopoulos.

I am not knighted. What I mean to put forward, Your Grace, is whether the correspondence promised by the Windsor Report and sent forthwith to each bishop in the Episcopal Church actually exists.

Pity. I mean about the loss of your knighthood.

Can we talk about the damn letters!

Hypocrites! They’re all hypocrites!

Ah, the letters. What letters are those?

The letters banning certain bishops from attending your Lambeth Conference this summer – those letters.


Right, the letters. Well, you see, we sent out for pizza and the letters seemed to have gotten stuck to the inside of the pizza box. Not sure how they got in there. We’re making inquiries. Since then, we’ve been busy pulling pepperoni and sausage off the letters to bishops, hosing them down, and then hanging them out to dry.

???

Holy Cow. You’re hanging the bishops out to dry?

I would like to comment on that last remark.

We’re not discussing you, Barry – well, not at the moment, anyway.

I am relieved to hear that. We cannot have that kind of negative self-talk, even if everyone here is bitter and clinging to religion and their guns.

I resemble that remark.

Otherwise, I’ll have to sue.

Did somebody say sue?

On that note, we’ll take a break and be back after a word from our sponsor.

And we are back with the Anglican Great Debate. Topic focus of tonight, “Do the —

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

Did somebody say sue?

It’s getting awfully crowded in here.

I’m George Stephanopoulos.

Dr. Williams, are you still here? I can’t see you.

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???

???

He’s over here, Charlie.

I was looking for a friend.

Right. Well, we’re talking about letters, Your Grace. Do the letters exist?

Well …

May I just interject here that there may be letters and they may yet exist but do not yet exist but in the fullness of time could exist – depending on when I get around to finishing the press release.

I see.

I’m lost.

You’re not the only one.

I’m George Stephanopoulos.

So, I am clear on this, the letters will exist or may yet exist, but are not yet sent, do I have that correct — Your Grace?

Well …

Could we talk about the war in Iraq – or Sharia Law? I’m much better at that.

Oh, please don’t.

You!

Yes?

You! This is all your fault.

Yes?

You did that speech – you blew the lid off months, years of planning. How could you!

Yes?

You admit it!

Of course I admit it, Rowan – you told me. Wait, I have to sign a book. Hold on —

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???

???

How come no one asks me to sign a book? I have a book out too.

That’s nice.

Tom?

Sorry about that – I’m in New York. The Americans just love me.

Can’t say I know what that feels like.

You were saying?

Excuse me —

You told the whole world I’m writing these letters, Tom, and now all hell has broken loose.

It has?

Don’t you follow the internet?

No, I usually just wait for The Times to ring me up.

You spoiled everything! Everything!

Did someone call me?

Hold everything! This is my show.

Same thing happens to me.

I don’t have a show anymore.

Now, we are trying to have a debate on the existence of letters puported to contain information that if disseminated could split the —yes, Senator?

I would like to comment on that last remark.

Please, go ahead Senator.

As someone who has had recent entanglements with an unruly church and an inflammatory pastor who’s remarks nearly sank my presidential asperations, I believe that I can speak to this issue and offer a solution.

Really?

Yes.

Please, go ahead Senator.

Thank you. My bold and innovative solution that will bring the audacity of hope to America – I mean, the Anglican Communion is this.

Please, go ahead Senator.

Right. Just wanted to maximize the moment for the greatest affect.

Hurry up, for God’s sake.

Yes. My bold initiative that is not only provocative but refreshing is that everyone, and I mean everyone, should retire.

R E T I R E .

I resemble that remark.

So, you are saying that the entire Anglican Communion – including the Episcopal Church – should retire?

That’s right, Charlie.

All the archbishops, and the bishops and the clergy – they all should retire?

That’s right, Charlie. Let’s face it, the Episcopal Church has a billion dollars in their retirement accounts. I’m calling for the entire Communion to retire.

Hmm …. Would that include the Bishop of Rochester?

Yes, everyone.

Hmm ….

Now wait just a minute. That’s our money – not yours.

I beg your pardon?

You heard me the first time, Gandalf. That’s our money not yours.

Well, I seem to have a copy of the front page of your constitution where you mention that you belong to the Anglican Communion. I seem to recall a certain judge in Virginia mentioning the same thing.

Don’t remind me.

No. We need that money for something else.

Uh oh.

Oh really?

Oh really?

Finally somebody that I know!

Well, it looks like time is running out.

Don’t remind me.

We have had an excellent debate on this topic now gripping the Communion. Stay tuned for our next Great Anglican Debate when we cover the topic – what was it, George?

Women’s ordination.

Ah, well, who thought that up?

Heh.

Well, I’m Charles Gibson.

And I am still George Stephanopoulos.

Good night.